The best one yet. Up until yesterday my favorite Valentines memory was when my Dad unexpectedly showed up at my door with flowers for me; and while that will forever be a moment that is near and dear to my heart, it has been topped as far as Valentine’s day goes.

Not to cause offense to any of the men in my past but for the first time in my life I feel like I am with a MAN rather than a boy. There are little things a man can choose to do that may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things or they may seem impractical but they make all the difference in the world to a woman. Some men get that and some don’t. My Boyfriend is in the portion of the male population that gets that and also for the first time in my life, I understand what other women mean when they say their man makes them feel like a Queen.

my Dad imparted a piece of advice I never thought I’d hear come out of his mouth 1.because I wouldn’t have thought he’d be the one to suggest the last part of it & 2. there was a time I was sure I’d never be one in need of his suggestion. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know but he did force me to consider something I’ve been conveniently avoiding…

He started out by telling me that happiness can’t be sought out and wrangled. You can’t buy it or force it… you just have to live your life and let it come to you. (I would call that the difference between happiness and contentment- happiness is fleeting but contentment abides regardlessly.) He went on to say that he has been out there as a single adult (granted that was 30 years ago BUT apparently not much has changed…) He said there are plenty of people in bars looking for somebody and he knows I’ll have to be in bars and such because of music BUT they are not a place to look for true companionship because, for the most part, people there are  just there to use each other- they don’t want something real. In my recent observation/experience with that (prior to my recent transition to working downtown, I didn’t go to bars unless there was karaoke or music happening-lol), I’d have to say he is right on the money. I even found myself being sucked into the scene. I’m ashamed to say I recently drowned my sorrows in some coconut rum & pineapple juice- because while I don’t understand why people get shit-faced and call it fun, I totally understand why people get shit faced to escape emotional pain. (ironically, mine backfired and let all the repressed junk out, anyway…) Medicating with alcohol is not how I want to deal with things.

Now,  that part I didn’t expect to hear from Dad was the part where he (the man who refused and avoided going) told me I need to get to Church. I think he is right… sort of… I mean, I have friends now who are also believers in Jesus and we spend time together… sometimes in bars- lol. There are plenty of folks in bars who aren’t looking to use anyone- we’re just hanging out, having a good time. On the flip side, there are plenty of people in Church who aren’t looking to Love people… coincidentally, they are also just hanging out, having a good time. Personally, I’ve had my heart broken by people who do and don’t choose to be a part of a Church. There was a time I’d have said the folks not in Church have let me down far less than the ones in it but I’ve come to realize the less you expect, the more you’ll be pleased. Regardless of setting, people are people. We’re not perfect. We all choose poorly at times and reap what we sow. Relationships are work. It takes two people, each working for the good of the other, to have a successful relationship. It takes forgiveness and trust. Trust is fragile and intricate; It takes time and intentionality to grow it, it is quickly & easily damaged or broken and much more difficult to rebuild than it is to build initially.  Dad is right about my needing to get to church because, while meeting people in the context of Church isn’t a guarantee they will be worthy of letting in and calling a friend… and, in contrast, meeting people in a bar isn’t a guarantee they aren’t worthy of getting to know, it sure seems like the odds of finding people who want something real and meaningful are better at church… and while I hate the idea of treating church as some sort of social club, the current alternatives just aren’t working out…

Now, I just gotta figure out which Church to go to… wonder if I can find one that meets at noon-ish on Sunday and begins things with lunch-LOL

Why must things be so complicated?

Why do I come back for more of the same?

Why do I even need to write this?

Why do I think that maybe, if I just wait a little longer; then, possibly something will change?

Why can’t I just accept it?

Why do I continue to give in to the game?

Why are you so damn cruel?

Why do I wake up most mornings eager for the end of the day?

Why can’t you pick your place and stick with it?

Why do I allow your place to sway?

Why do you think me so insignificant?

Why can’t I simply turn away?

Little girl says, “Someday, when I grow up, I’m going to have my very own  set of keys. They’ll have those little rubber rings identifying the keys and a super cool key chain and the keys will open my house and start my car and open the lock to my diary… oh, and maybe even a lucky rabbits foot!…”

Little Girl grows to Teenage girl… ” I want some keys! Everyone else has a set of keys! Where’s my set of keys? I REALLY want a car key… get my motor runnin’! Here’s a set; I’ll try them. VROOMMM!! Oh yeah, THAT starts my car. House key? Who cares?… I just wanna drive…. Oh,  But there’s no diary key or a cool key chain or a lucky rabbits foot… and you know what? I think I need more than just a car key… NEXT!”

Teenage Girl grows to little bit older Teenage Girl … “How about this set? House key- check… oh wait, I think it’s made of plastic {CRACK} yep. So, this set starts my car but nuthin’ else. UGH! I’m just not going to worry about keys anymore for a while….”

Early College Age Girl: “Great, so I decided not to worry about keys anymore and now that’s all anybody else is talking or thinking about. Seriously? UGH! I guess I’ll keep an eye out for my keys too.”

Looking, looking, looking… “hey look! Here’s a set… hmmmm, car key doesn’t work and the house key doesn’t fit and there’s no diary key at all but I’m tired of looking…I’m ready to have a set of keys. This will be fine. I’ll just walk everywhere or hot wire my car and I’ll have my house locks re-keyed and I just won’t open my diary. “Hello, Mr. Locksmith… please re-key my locks to fit these keys.”

A few years pass…

Mid 20′s Woman, ” UGH! I can’t keep walking everywhere or hot wiring the car! This is miserable! I just wanted to have a set of keys like everyone else and I should have waited for a set of keys that didn’t require me to compromise so much. Sigh…. {a little time passes and some unfortunate events take place} ” I’m done trying to force it with these keys. I’m going to get myself together and move on “

{Gets self together…mostly and begins moving on}

Mid-Late 20′s Woman…

(from a slight distance) “Hey look at that set. I like the looks of that car key… and the other keys  have those little rubber rings identifying the keys… oh and look…. a super cool key ring like I thought about as a kid. (gets a little closer)  I see a house key there too- wonder if it fits… and look at that, there’s a key like the one to my diary, I’m pretty sure that is the right key….OH MY WORD!!!! NO FREAKING WAY!!! IS THAT A LUCKY RABBITS FOOT?!?!? I think it IS A LUCKY RABBITS FOOT?!!! WOW!!! (Excitedly, she reaches out to the set and… THUMP! “OUCH!!” she discovers all but the car key are unavailable. So, she checks out the car key…. and…”MmmmmmHmmmmm! That certainly gets my motor running.” A little time goes by and the Car key works quite well. In spending time using the car key, she can see the other keys and she can just feel it in her gut that those keys probably do also fit her locks but the set just isn’t available for more than driving.   The Girl sits down, face in her hands and feels so sad. She says,  “I can see them, right there… the rubber things, the super cool key ring, house key, car key, diary key… even the lucky rabbits foot… this is the closest I’ve come to finding all my keys on one ring… it’s right here in front of me but unavailable. Wow this sucks!

{Some time passes and occasionally the girl and the keys spend a little time together. Mostly using the car key but sometimes she gets to sort of see about the other keys on the ring too. It seems every time she gets too close to them though, the set pulls away from her. This makes the girl so sad and she misses the keys when they pull away like that. When they come back around again she is so happy! Over time, she has realized her initial perceptions of the keys were right… that IS a lucky rabbits foot and that little key does open her diary but the set only wants to let her have access to the car key and even that is becoming more and more limited. This makes the girl so sad. The thought of those keys just out of her reach… she has gotten to know them pretty well. She sees them for what they are and what they aren’t… she sees it all and she wants them but she knows she can’t make them let her in… (and she wouldn’t if she could because she wants them to want to let her in.) She isn’t sure what to do… she is so torn.

She thinks to herself, “I can sit here and wait… and hope that eventually the keys will let me in, but how long should I keep holding on to hope? Sometimes I think maybe unavailable is just as confused as I am but other times I think it’s all just a game. I wish I understood. I guess time will tell… I’ll just let it be what it is and we’ll see…”

As time passed, she thought maybe they keys just needed to know they are safe with her and that she really means it when she says she wants them; so, she tried her best to show them and tell them but they either didn’t get it or it just didn’t matter. Feeling trapped in uncertainty and fairly sure she was making a fool of herself, she decided to try to let it go…. but that’s easier said than done,  especially when your heart strings are all tied up in knots.  A little time passed and she finally got the nerve to put her feelers out and get to know some other sets of keys. So, she signed up for one of those key matching websites. She made a profile talking about herself and what she needed and wanted in a set of keys. The site suggested sets of keys for her… and the first set that popped up was the unavailable set. This crushed her… she thought, ” Great, I FINALLY got the nerve up to put myself back out there and REALLY? This is the first set it suggests?…. I guess this set is just not available to ME for anything more than driving… or is just looking for others to drive with too… but either way, I’m clearly not cared for by these keys as much as I care for them.” Hurt and fully aware she just pre-paid for a three month membership to the website, she gave it a go. Several sets of keys asked to meet her.  She thought a few of them were worth checking out, so she met them but Unavailable was all she could think about.  She saw that some of them had a lot to offer but she realized she’s not ready to be out there finding keys and that it didn’t matter that she pre-paid for 3 months… continuing to meet sets of keys would only add wasted time to the wasted money… and two wrongs don’t make a right…. so, she took her profile down. Somehow even after all that, she found herself still longing for unavailable… still hoping and still wanting to spend time with that set of keys.

She’s still not completely over it yet but she learning not to let things with unavailable creep past friends. She hopes that as time passes she’ll find peace again. Most days lately, she just feels blue. She drags herself out of bed in the morning but she’s a mess, her house is a wreck, she has very little desire to do anything and even though she is exhausted, she has the hardest time falling asleep at night. She is learning to silence her longing for unavailable but she’s pretty sure that at least on some level she’ll always Love him. Letting go is hard… awake is easier than asleep though.  Some nights she wakes herself up crying and remembers she was dreaming of holding unavailable. It feels so real but it’s only a dream. She lays there thinking about how she just doesn’t understand…. how could she have so much Love and desire for him and him just not want it? In the time we’ve spent together, did he just not feel what I felt? She’s heard all his reasons but still, it just doesn’t make sense.

Finally, she concludes that she may never understand… It is what it is. She hopes someday she will be able to find a set of keys that is as close to or closer to the set she’s always hoped for… and she hopes she never finds herself in this situation again because nothing before has ever hurt quite like unrequited Love.

Across Ghost River, past the Sycamore Tree, There’s a quiet little clearing that will set you free. A half-acre of heaven just a quarter a mile away near the remnant of a field stone wall we’ll waste away the day in Honeysuckle Grove…

 

My newly recorded original song. Hope you enjoy.

10. Someone asks your name and you have to think about it for a second.

9. Your thoughts are in slow motion voice because your subconscious is aware this is necessary in order for you to keep up .

8. You wonder if your boss will agree to pay you half of your hourly wage rate for      physically being at your desk while you take a nap.

7. You have daydreams of comfy places to lay your head.

6. You Know for a fact which surfaces around the office are and are not comfy places to lay your head.

5. You wonder if it’s possible to weigh just your eyelids because they really do feel heavier than usual.

4. You wonder how long you can be gone to the bathroom before anyone else notices you are gone. (see # 6… not really any place in bathroom to lay head)

3.  Repressed fears involving involuntary drooling and that time in 10^th grade that you fell asleep in study hall are the only things keeping your eyes open.

2. The anticipation of finally getting to lay down in your bed makes you a little giddy.

And finally…

1. You blog a top ten list of signs you may be sleep deprived, simply to keep yourself occupied for the last 30 minutes of the day with something that won’t make you mental BUT it only takes you roughly 12 minutes to make said list and you begin to feel slightly apprehensive when considering how you’ll manage to make it through the next 18 minutes without falling asleep.

 

Saw this episode for the first time tonight. YAY!!!!! Shawn and Jules!!!! YAY!!!! (okay, yes, I know they are fictional characters on a tv show but I’ve been waiting and waiting to see if he was finally gonna get the girl…. and this motorcycle/car thing is so perfectly Shawn- made me grin like a goob.)  YAAAAY!!!

 

Shawn: I have a motorcycle.
Juliet: Yes you do.
Shawn: Yes I do and you know what? It is the purest form of freedom that I’ve ever experienced. You zip through traffic, you park anywhere, you never have to take anyone to the airport, you certainly don’t have to help anyone move. Easily the best purchase I’ve ever made in my life and I have never regretted it, not for one second.
Juliet: Great. You love your motorcycle. Is there a point to this?
Shawn: Yeah, there’s a point to this. The point is, since I’ve met you, I… I’ve been thinking about getting a car.

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

http://goo.gl/doodle/Qao7D

http://goo.gl/doodle/rLVN2

http://goo.gl/doodle/hAO55

http://goo.gl/doodle/8a11Q 

http://goo.gl/doodle/awSUQ

http://goo.gl/doodle/OaZEf

http://goo.gl/doodle/I2hjR

http://goo.gl/doodle/RetSn

http://goo.gl/doodle/v47Mv

http://goo.gl/doodle/KSxh2

THAT Was fun… must. stop. lolly. gagging…

LOL

 

Thanks to social networking sites like facebook, there is a whole new way to show your PDA.  For example, sometimes, I scroll down my news feed and see one half of a couple expressing their Love and affection for the other half on his/her wall… for all the world to see. Now, there is nothing wrong with Loving someone or missing them… and by all means, if you’re in Love… shout it from the rooftops if that’s your cup of tea BUT for some reason, posting it on FB so that it shows up in my news feed leaves me feeling as though I have  trespassed into a realm that is not for me… like I’m eaves dropping on pillow talk.

 

So, I was thinking- what if it wasn’t just sweet stuff? I mean, if you’re going to put it out there for the world to read,  give us a little taste of reality, rather than only letting us see the good side of things….

How about, instead of just the I Love you’s, I also get to read something like :

“Hey baby, you left the toilet seat up AGAIN & let me tell ya, there’s nothing like a cold wet a** at 2:30am. Thanks for that. <3 <3 <3″

What goes up MUST come down!

“Sweetheart, could you stop and pick up a gallon of milk when you leave your girlfriend’s house… I mean, when you leave work.”

“Hello my Dear, I know everyone has morning breath but yours is especially bad. I think you should make a dental appointment. Hugs &Kisses (on the cheek)”

“You really pissed me off last night. I can’t stand it when you are so stubborn that you won’t listen to reason… kind of makes me want to punch you in the face. XOXOXO”

“Baby, I’ll be late for dinner tonight; I’ve been at the ER all day getting stitches in my leg…. PLEASE CUT YOUR TOENAILS!!!”

“Hon, thanks for cooking dinner… The dog seemed to enjoy it.; then again, he licks his own butt, so… hmmmm”

“Babe, you get an A for last night’s effort… thanks for TRYING. I’m feeling a little guilty- just wanted to confess that I totally faked it. sorry :-/…”

I’m sure there are way better ones than these and I guess it’s just my negative Nancy coming out, but it seems to me that if you wake up next to a person or are close enough with them that you feel comfortable expressing these things to them, then there is probably an alternative and more appropriate place to share… You know, someplace that  doesn’t involve my feeling similarly to the way I feel when someone I don’t know very well should have worn a slip but didn’t… and I’m not sure if I should tell them I own the same black thong or just pretend I don’t see it…. anyway…